Starting Over

This is the most heartbreaking post I will ever write, I am sure. One year, four months, and one week ago I said ‘I do’ to the man of my dreams. Ken said ‘I do’ to the woman of his dreams. Sadly, humans screw things up, do unthinkable things, and the wretchedness that becomes etched in our memory is sometimes all that remains.

To say that the destruction of our marriage has been devastating is an understatement to the Nth degree. I have no words to describe the pain.

I am writing this post for many reasons. First, at its base, writing is therapy for me. Second, since I share most of my life with you all, I would be a bit of a fraud if I didn’t share one of the most life-changing events I’ve endured so far. Third, as a practical matter, you’ll wonder what’s up when I blog about life on my own. And lastly, I want to remind you to appreciate and hold closely those you love. You know that, but just a little reminder. On any given day you could wake up and the life you made together, the life you had planned, your dreams, could be taken from you. Of course we all know to be kind, but also be vigilant.

While you may be hearing this for the first time, Ken and I have had several months to process, to grieve, and to begin to heal. Months of professional counseling (both together and individually), talks with and support of friends, and every kind of communication between the two of us have gone into trying to save what we had.

I have accepted the fact that my life is changing, and that part of life is not knowing what the day will bring or what the world will throw at me. My cancer diagnosis came in the midst of our crisis, and surprisingly, it helped me work through the heartache. The cancer gave me a different perspective – I focused on the fact that I was fortunate to be alive. And as I type this, I realize that may be what made it so easy for me to throw myself fully into the clean diet and exercise routine to help fight the cancer. It was my escape from the reality of the loss of my marriage.

My preference is to be married to my best friend and to be living my happily-ever-after, bumpy road and all. Since that is not an option for me at this time, and because I am a fighter and an increasingly cautious optimist, I will pick myself up and rebuild my life. I do not take marriage lightly, nor do I think ending a marriage is something to be considered casually. I take this very seriously. But make no mistake, if I haven’t let cancer get the best of me, I damn sure am not going to let my failed marriage beat me down. There are many, many folks out there enduring tragedy far greater than anything that has touched my life. I feel lucky to be alive, and I will honor that privilege by embracing the path that God puts before me.

As Ken and I are both still healing from this and finding our separate ways, I ask that you be gentle with us. I welcome your private messages and respectfully ask that you keep public comments positive while we work through this very sad and difficult transition.

Thanks for listening, and hug your sweetie tight.